Tag: family

Glorifying being busy

Glorifying being busy

Why does it always seem like there is a competition of who is the busiest, who has the most stress and who works the longest hours?

When I decided my intention word of 2023 would be Balance, I made the call to try and find more balance in my life this year. To try to push back on the busy culture, find better work life balance, time for me, quality time with the kids, and not fill every moment. However I feel like this has meant I am noticing more than ever how we glorify being busy. As much as I try I still fall in the trap. When asked how my day is going the automatic answer is something like “good but busy/crazy/hectic”. It is like I feel saying it is a good day is not enough. Do we worry that we are seen as lazy if we are not busy and stressed?

When asking someone how their weekend is it seems they have a need to have a long list of activities they have done. I noticed my youngest who is 11 is constantly asking where we are going next as he feels a need to fill each day with activities like he thinks his friends do.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the balance right yet. I work full time, am a single mum with two kids. Some days are long and full and I limp across the line at the end glad when it is bedtime. Other days I manage downtime, meditation, baking or catching up with friends. Each day for the last month I have found time for a walk to centre myself while listening to a podcast or talking to my youngest if he joins me.

What worries me is that I have friends who are always busy, their life is always a drama and they never have time to catch up. When their life actually goes through a rough patch, as all our lives inevitably do at some stage, will other people notice? If you always answer that life is crazy, you have no time, work too hard and can’t take a breath or minute to yourself, what happens when it actually occurs. When you are really in that state is it a case of boy who cries wolf and no one notices? Do your friends stop asking because they know how you will answer?

With three weeks left of March I am going to try and pause when people ask how my day is going and not automatically answer with busy. More importantly, I am going to try and make sure that I don’t have to answer busy because I am starting to get closer to the Balance I desire. With my kids quickly growing up why do I want to look back and realise I missed the moments because I was too busy. Where is the glory in that?

Crutches again

Crutches again

Three years ago, almost to the day, I posted on this blog about my eldest son and the perils of a kid on crutches. Three years later, almost to the day it is me on crutches.

I have a new appreciation for what my son has gone through. I have only been doing this for 24 hours and I am over it. He has had to suffer through it multiple times for long stretches. However, he has me to run around for him, pick up after him and provide whatever support he needs.

As a single mum I am used to being the only adult in the house, to being strong even when I don’t feel like it or am sick. But what happens when I am on crutches and have to elevate my leg constantly? When I don’t know at this stage how long this will be for?

My kids are trying to help. My eldest checks in constantly and understands the struggles of crutches. My youngest is great at helping but usually only when I ask. They have been getting their own food, carrying things for me and giving me lots of cuddles.

Then after work I went out in the kitchen and there was stuff everywhere. Making the food apparently doesn’t mean cleaning up. To their credit some dishes had made it to the dishwasher and when I mentioned the rubbish and leftover food they cleaned it up.

So tonight I’m tired after a day of crutches, working and my one outing to the chemist for pain relief. The boys are at their dads for a night and I have washed all the dishes. And although I wished many times today I had a me to help out, I got through the day. Who knows how many more there are but we will get through and maybe the boys can learn some new skills.

Back to basics

Back to basics

It has been nearly a year and a half since I have written a post on my blog. And what a year and a half it has been.

COVID has turned the world, and everyone’s lives,upside down. In Australia we are lucky, the pandemic has not hit to the scale of most other countries. But there has still been an impact – watching number of cases and deaths, hotspots, lockdowns, homeschooling and loss of jobs.

I was a lucky one – I kept my job the whole time, nobody in my immediate family or friends got sick, but the emotional toll and stress of it all, of being busier than ever at work while also homeschooling, of changes to parenting plans, of uncertainty and trying to comfort my kids while being stressed took an impact on me. Early last year I hit a low point and unlike other times made sure I reached out for help.

So I have spent the last year and a half working on my health and well being, as well as supporting my kids through their own struggles which have included surgery and recovery for my eldest. The time has been spent going back to basics which for me means exercise, sleep, what I eat, meditation and connections with people. Throw in a great psychologist and time with my kids. It has been time spent working out who I am, how I want my life to be, and what values are important to me. It has been a time to show my children that this is a safe space to discuss whatever they need, and where they can raise concerns and issues without judgement.

I also allow my kids to see that I have good days and bad, that sometimes I cry, that sometimes I’m mad, that I know how to apologise and that I always know there are things to be grateful for. And everyday they know I love them and am here for them.

Because let’s be honest, something good that can come from all of this is working out what is important. And to me that is my families health, wellbeing and strength together.

Hope you are all well, getting back to basics and reaching out for help when you need it. There are things to be grateful for everyday – sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper to find them.

Do you know your triggers?

Do you know your triggers?

Everyone has triggers. Things that seem insignificant to most people but make you react in a way that you know may be irrational.

I was reminded of this last night when watching I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Perez Hilton acted irrationally/over the top when he thought someone was disrespectful to another camp mate. He admitted later people he thought were disrespecting his family are a huge trigger for him.

I watch my son who has been through multiple surgeries and procedures. Anything medical is a trigger for him now – even going to the dentist or GP. Today we had an appointment for something minor at the GP and he ended up in tears and distraught about a needle there is a small chance he will need in a week.

I have a few triggers that I am aware of and others catch me by surprise. I have been triggered by things that remind me of the downfall of my marriage, where I am frustrated by medical ambiguity and long waits in hospital waiting rooms.

Two weeks ago I read an article that was written by my ex. It was to help get support and fundraising for the charity that helps with my sons condition. So it was for a great cause and for all the right reasons. However the language he used was apparently a massive trigger for me and sent me into a downward spiral of anxiety that lasted for two days. I found some new ways to settle my anxiety a little (jigsaws work well as my brain and hands are occupied and concentrating on something else). A couple of days later I was feeling more settled but I was shocked at how it had impacted me. And while I am rational about it right now I know that I will probably be triggered by this again.

It is an interesting thought though – what do you know is a trigger for you? Or have you not discovered yours yet?

Quality family time

Quality family time

At the moment it is School holidays in Australia and at this time of year my sons dad has about seven weeks off work. That means that the boys spend over half the week with him each week. So often there is pressure to fit a lot into the three days we have together including catching up with people, doing activities and making memories.

During the week I had been making plans for what we were going to do on the weekend but the weather did not play along. So we had a lazy weekend instead. Which turned into a great weekend.

Friday consisted of a lazy pyjama day doing our own things and relaxing. This was followed by a yummy homemade dinner together and our standard Friday night movie night. And to finish off the boys decided to have a sleepover in one room (king single beds mean they can fit in together (along with the dog).

Saturday was my day to get things done around home while the boys played with the kids across the road. Followed up by leftovers from the night before and a games night that consisted of four board and card games, snacks and lots of laughter.

Sunday we went out for brunch which sounds very sophisticated but is less so when you go with an 8 and 10 year old. Followed up with shopping for school supplies and more games when we got home before the boys went back to their dads.

The big winner for the weekend was the bedtime stories I made up on the spot each night. They were a huge hit and they want them to continue – better get thinking over this week of some new topics as my brain isn’t always so creative by that time of night.

So the weekend that I thought might turn out not so great ended up being just what we needed and a great one for making memories.

TV a hit for dinner inspiration…

TV a hit for dinner inspiration…

And it wasn’t even a cooking show!

My boys do not typically watch shows that I would say help with parenting. There is an occasional baking/cooking show for my youngest. And for a little while my eldest loved a show that had children managing the family budget for the week. However in general their choices are not known for their great parenting moments or realistic storylines.

So imagine my surprise when a storyline from the TV series “Talking Tom and friends” helped me with getting my kids to eat dinner. For those who haven’t seen Talking Tom it is an animated series about Tom (a cat) and his friends (mainly other animals) who develop mobile apps and investors and get up to a lot of mischief. Doesn’t sound that helpful really.

In our house we are on a quest to do more to look after our environment, reduce waste and help others. For me this also has a second benefit as reduced waste means less money just being thrown away.

So back to how the TV show helped me. One episode the boys were watching was about “Garage Feast Day”. Garage Feast Day is celebration of friendship and of not wasting groceries explains the characters. It is about taking all the food that is about to expire and making a feast for all of your friends to enjoy (some of their concoctions were quite disgusting).

My freezer has been crammed full to the point were it is scary to open it as something may fall on you. When I checked much of it was boxes, packets or bags with little food left. So I decided to seize my opportunity last night and cooked up all the bits and pieces – a few meatballs, mini meat patties, chicken nuggets, frozen chips and placed them in the middle of the table on a plate. Added vegetables to each plate (the non negotiable part of the meal) and announced to the boys that tonight’s dinner was inspired by Talking Tom. And to my surprise it was a hit – they loved helping themselves and that their were choices. Then we had dessert which was the odd icy poles left from different boxes.

In fact it worked so well that we did a repeat for lunch today. Left over roast chicken and salads, some Cocktail Frankfurts and spring rolls that were in the freezer. And again it was a hit.

I then baked some muffins using up some lemons I had in the fridge so I have some snacks prepared for this week. It is such a great feeling to use up all the little bits and pieces and have them eaten not going into the bin. Plus I didn’t waste money on food I didn’t need and the freezer is now half empty. I take this as a huge win.

Guess I am going to have to go shopping soon though…..the cupboard are looking a little bare!

Finding the way back to me

As per my last post the last couple of years (and especially the last 12 months) have been the start of a new normal for me

I am used to my new normal and the routine required. I have some things I do everyday for my self care and sanity – meditation and gratitude journal and usually exercise. But since my surgery I have been unable to exercise except for some light walking. The absence of exercise along with eating worse than normal while on holidays has really thrown out my sleeping and I turn my motivation, mood and energy levels.

So this weekend (including Friday as I don’t work!) I decided to start trying to find my way back to me.

First I took time to have a long slow breakfast after taking the boys to school which is good for relaxing and self care.

  • I got back to painting my back room which has been an on and off project over the year and finished this over the weekend. Improving my house and completing projects I had started it is good for my motivation
  • I had time to myself while the boys were with there dad for dinners I wanted and a Netflix binge fest. More self care and relaxing.
  • I went shopping for birthday presents and camp requirements for my eldest and bought myself three items of clothing
      • 1 x jumpsuit I had been eyeing off for a while and want for an event coming up
      1 x pair of pants that are similar to some I already have and wear constantly
      1 x top that I bought because I loved the colour, it was pretty and it made me feel good

    I went for a walk with the dog, did some of the physio exercises and started some upper body exercises so that it didn’t impact my leg. My body was a bit sore for it but it was a good sore.

    Painted my toenails, because I can finally reach them again just in time for the good weather that is starting and that means strapped shoes.

    Planned out my vege garden and planted seeds with my eldest. Home grown vegetables are great and anything that grabs my sons interest and isn’t a screen is a huge win.

    Meal planned, shopped and baked cupcakes for snacks this week and lasagna for two nights dinners to make my week a little easier.

    This is the point where I should point out the boys were with their dad for most of the weekend. There is no way I could have been this productive otherwise.

    And the big thing for this weekend my usual Sunday 4pm slump (you know the one where you realise that the weekend is over and work is the next day) didn’t hit until 6.30. I take that as a massive step forward.

    The new normal

    The new normal

    This year my family has had four surgeries, one to fix my youngests teeth, two leg surgeries to correct my eldest sons deformity and one to remove a very large lump from my leg. And later in the year we will find out the timeline for the third leg surgery for my eldest.

    So life this year has a little bit crazy, with each surgery there has been recovery, physio appointments and it is all being juggled amongst our everyday life.

    Most people who check up on us comment on our crazy life/crappy year/how do we cope etc. However while we have had our ups and downs in general I feel we are managing well. Which made me start to think…is that because this is just the new normal?

    At different stages of life I think your “normal” alters. There are things that you never think you would do that just become part of every day life. Think of major milestones in your life and each of them probably altered your normal – first love, moving out of home, getting married, having children there are so many of them. For me I add separating from my husband and getting my sons diagnosis.

    And while my new normal is busy, crazy and often exhausting it is also what makes me who I am today. I am stronger, more determined, understand my core values better, and prioritise what is best for my family.

    So while I would change some of the reasons why this is my new normal I also try to appreciate the good points of it.

    And look forward to the next new normal – who knows what that will bring. Hopefully a little less crazy and a little more me time!!

    Goodbye guilt…or at least some of it

    Goodbye guilt…or at least some of it

    The last couple of weeks I have been feeling angry, lonely and unsupported. I feel this way every now and then – it is a byproduct of being a single working mum of two boys especially where one has a serious health condition. As a result I know I get snappy, grumpy and tears and sometimes there is just nothing to hold back the emotions.

    But I am getting better at recognising I feel that way and that I am may be overreacting (although I can’t always stop it)

    So last week I attended a ditch the mummy guilt webinar by Cass Dunn which was really good, and very appropriate. It felt like she had been listening in on some of my conversations and thoughts. Lately I have been much better at self care – exercising at home as it is too hard to get out, eating better, spending more time with the kids (new things every day as per last post). But the webinar made me think about the fact that I need to do more to show my boys that sometimes I need to put me first and that it is ok.

    So how am I going with ditching the guilt? I am trying to question my decisions less, I am trying to get my boys to help out more, and I am trying to focus solely on the boys when I am with them and not feeling guilty when I am not doing stuff with them (quality over quantity).

    My big win though happened a couple of days ago. I have been separated for just over three years and as he works varied shifts and days in his job I have always been very flexible with when he sees the boys. And as his shifts often change I change plans so the boys can be with him or come home to me when he has to go to work. This time when he cancelled a weekend he was supposed to have the boys I advised I had plans that I could not change as I have organised a night out with friends I haven’t seen for over a year. This means the boys have to go to my exs mums for the weekend which they will not be happy about. I felt the guilt start to creep in but stopped it. I deserve a night out and, while they may not enjoy their weekend, they will get a better mum as a result. And maybe as a side benefit they will realise a few of the things I do to make their weekends better.

    So it is still a work in progress but one baby step at a time I am going to reduce the mummy guilt and I hope it is better for all three of us.

    Something new every day

    Something new every day

    Last week my boys were at their dads for the week as it was the second week of the school holidays. The house was quiet, the dog was restless and the million jobs I had planned to just didn’t quite get there as I worked too many hours. However not having to do dinner and bedtime routine every night meant that I had more thinking time as well. And one thing I thought about was how easily our life has fallen into a rut. Routine is necessary in my house – single working mum of two children with one having a serious health condition that means constant hospital visits. And sometimes it easier to take easy options than push for changes and listen to complaining and meltdowns. But something had to change – boundaries and comfort zones need to be stretched a little. Changing things in a house that thrives on routine can be like putting a puzzle together. Trying different pieces and connections until something fits.

    So when the boys came home I told them every day we were going to do one thing that we either had never done before or had not done for a long time. Sometimes it would be big, other times small but it would be every day. It could be to do with what we eat, watch, play or where we go. I was worried about how they would take it but should of known their first suggestions would be a trip to Queensland (where we had gone two and a half years ago) and to America where they have never been. So the first few days will be my choice.

    So we are now three days in to our something new every day and it is going really well. We are connecting more, trying new things and they are feeling really positive about it. And what have we done?

    Day one. We made pita bread chips to have with dip. Started simple but they loved them, ate them straight away and want to do it again

    Day two. Started watching a kids series none of us had seen before on Netflix which was based on the movie Turbo. We all sat and watched it together, my eldest put down his IPod and we had some laughs (they wanted to watch another episode today)

    Day three. Played a new card game I had bought called Mars Needs Heroes. It was easy to play and lots of fun so we ended up playing two games of it.

    I am certainly not expecting every day to go this well, especially when I start trying different foods. But at the moment they are loving the idea and I am loving stretching our boundaries and finding some bright moments in each day.